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1.0 Introduction
Take a Listen 🎶
Our conflict-resolution strategies tend to be influenced by our attachment styles. Children watch the way adults work through disagreements and model those patterns of behaviour as they grow up and that influences their perception about conflict and ways of resolving it. Often people use the same strategies or try hard to do the opposite of what they grew up being exposed to.
Attachment simply refers to “lasting psychological connectedness between humans” (Bowlby, 1991; Cherry, 2019).
Scenario: “When the two of you argue, how do you react/act/ resolve the issue?”
Her: “I think we argue healthily most of the time. But, often when we both feel attacked by the other, we have opposite reactions; I need to keep talking through it to get to a conclusion.”
Him: “And I just need to go and be alone.”
The bonds that children have with their caregivers influence how they later address conflict. People who have secure attachments with their parents and/or caregivers are often able to work through conflict with other people and resolve it in a respectful, affectionate, and loving manner. But for Children who grew up witnessing dysfunctional conflict resolution strategies, having a secure attachment with others becomes a challenge as they try to avoid making the same mistakes as their parents.
2.0 What are attachment styles?
According to Bowlby’s Attachment Style Theory (1991), there are three attachment styles based on our attachment to our primary caregivers/mum:
1. Secure,
2. Anxious-Resistant
3. Avoidant
Recognizing pattern: It’s important to be aware of our attachment style pattern and change our behaviour from reacting to acting intentionally.
Understanding our attachment style and other people’s patterns, especially our significant others can bring insight into how we engage and resolve conflict in ways that would not harm our relationships /families and/or organizations.
Primary Attachment Figure (PAF) :
At infancy, we learn certain behaviours that vary based on the perceived closeness of our primary attachment figure (PAF); in most cases, the PAF is the mum or milk/food-feeding individual. If the baby perceives the primary attachment figure (PAF) as close by, they feels relaxed, loved, and secure. However, if the baby perceives the PAF as absent or not close by; they will become anxious and use behaviour tantrums to encourage proximity (crying, screaming, reaching out, holding on or clinging on etc.) Then, depending on the type of response they receive from their PAF, they may fall into one or a mixture of three attachment styles: secure, anxious-resistant, and avoidant.
According to attachment theory, how babies responded when PAF left and returned to them determined their attachment style; Adults often keep the attachment style pattern they adopted as babies.
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